boo

i feel happier than ive felt in ages. just 2 more days now. whatever happens these next two days are of no real consequence and i feel incredibly free and peaceful. i cant wait to go , i cant wait to leave, i want these hours to slip through my fingers like sand.

on other lighter things, i added shima from buddhiston to my msn and have started talking to him, his english is really bad but i find it really hilarious that im talking to that strange far away voice on my discman.


on a darker note a friend is going through a real bad time. i know theres not much i can do but i wish i could.

100 percent pure gibberish

so we walk in a row
so we dont have to be alone
but it takes more than a row
when your dealing with ghosts

instead we'll hold hands
on her hands i can depend
devour my dreams as we start to descend

you on the other hand
your early to bed
so you'll never see
my dreams come alive
in ships under the sea

once in awhile dont you wanna come with me?

wish i could wear it on my sleeve
outrace the speed of speed

Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself
All day -- and all night
I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath
I say to myself
I need fuel -- to take flight

i had tender feelings that you made hard
but its your heart not mine thats scarred
so when i go home , il be happy to go
your just somebody that i used to know

we didnt do wrong
i just cant stay this night for long
so when i go home , ill be happy to go
your just somebody that i used to know

look into my tired eyes
see someone you dont recognise
something in the silence died

heres what you get for things that havnt happened yet.

we'll crucify the insincere tonight
make things right
feel it all tonight

i wish that time stood still
and we could be forever true
but time wont slow

i almost ran over an angel
he had a nice big fat cigar
innocence, he says your alone here
if your jump , you best jump far

is it dark yet outside
im through hiding tonight
is it dark yet outside
im through hiding tonight

for every chemical you trade a piece of your soul
and who you think you know, doesnt know you at all

someday we'll wave hello
and wish we never waved goodbye
drink up every line
shoot up every word

shakedown

yesterday i came early to camp, the duty clerk was meant to play the radio in the main lobby but flicked the wrong nob and ended up playing it through the horn speakers all over camp and thus i walked into camp to the sounds of the smashing pumpkins. The first light was stealing across the sky and mingling with the dark and 1979 sounded pretty poignant,

" With the headlights pointed at the dawn
We were sure we'd never see an end to it all,..... Double cross the vacant and the bored
They're not sure just what we have in store
Morphine city slippin dues down to see
That we don't even care, as restless as we are
We feel the pull in the land of a thousand guilts.......Faster than we thought we'd go, beneath the sound of hope"

that night i sat by the sea with wan ting, we drank and talked. she told me bout canada, well, about her canada. she told me bout her singapore and i told her bout my singapore. got her to burn me the organ and nada surf. was really nice talking to her, didnt feel awkward at all. im prob not gonna see her again for at least three years.

just got told my medical review is up and that im prob gonna be shifted back to a combat vocation after national day.

the forest

the forest is lovely dark and deep
but i have miles to go before i sleep
miles to go before i sleep

eating air

its a sunday, i lost my wallet over the weekend. my driver's licence and military identity card are gone , among other things. i can just imagine them showing up at the wrong time in the hands of a slain militiaman after some major drug bust somewhere in a dark part of indo-china. damn it.

i made amends with kavin and soph it was great and thats an understatement. actually met quite a number of people over the weekend. the company was comforting, but i was distant. theres so much i cant tell my friends, and i feel heavy from the weight of my secrets. shelve it all up inside and smile outside. the more i do it the further i feel from everyone, its like walking around in a bubble. besides secrets, theres so much else that never leaves us.

listening to tori amos, looking out my window. my mind is in overdrive. the sun is fading and everything is turning rich dark blue as the last light is going out and the street lights are coming on in my street. tori's jangly piano notes are bypassing security on their way into me and are laying out an ethereal soberness. the sky is absolutely gorgeous and melancholy. there is so much beauty in the world. just wish right now i didnt have to see it alone. if u were here i wouldnt have to.

eating air

its a sunday, i lost my wallet over the weekend. my driver's licence and military identity card are gone , among other things. i can just imagine them showing up at the wrong time in the hands of a slain militiaman after some major drug bust somewhere in a dark part of indo-china. damn it.

i made amends with kavin and soph it was great and thats an understatement. actually met quite a number of people over the weekend. the company was comforting, but i was distant. theres so much i cant tell my friends, and i feel heavy from the weight of my secrets. shelve it all up inside and smile outside. the more i do it the further i feel from everyone, its like walking around in a bubble. besides secrets, theres so much else that never leaves us.

listening to tori amos, looking out my window. my mind is in overdrive. the sun is fading and everything is turning rich dark blue as the last light is going out and the street lights are coming on in my street. tori's jangly piano notes are bypassing security on their way into me and are laying out an ethereal soberness. the sky is absolutely gorgeous and melancholy. there is so much beauty in the world. just wish right now i didnt have to see it alone. if u were here i wouldnt have to.

death

An old friend died in a motorcycle accident yesterday. we lost touch after secondary school, but i would meet him now and then bumping into his cheery self on the streets. maybe i didnt know him that well.
He was 21 this year, my age , but now he's dead. back then he was 16, my age. we were indestructable , we thought we were wise, we had a long way to go. now he's dead.

After secondary school, we all went out own way. you keep procrastinating meeting up with as your social circles and lives situations start to run off tangent. It took his funeral for all of us to meet again. met alot of my friends from my past. some looked different, others just the same. i think i heard, " what a shite circumstance for us to have a reunion " at least ten times from about 7 diff mouths, some people love to repeat themselves.

we talked about the past, we joked as we remembered him. talked about him like we were waiting around for him to show up and we were just poking fun at his antics in the mean time. we really were pretty innocent then, many of us had gone to hell and back with burns to show for it since.

i didnt think i would be sad when i went into his house to his body for the last time. his flat was packed with police officers ( he was in the force ) soldiers, family, school mates, friends from the different patchworks of his life. his home was really packed. almost body to body, the walls were heavy with the weight of concentrated sorrow. i wonder what was in everyones minds. People feeling sad for diff reasons. some of them must have been feeling sad for his mother who was beyond consolation or comfort. some were probably mourning the fragility of life, and the cold hard reality of death rather than him.

it came our turn to squeeze to the front and see him. he was wrapped in a burial shroud with his face exposed. only then did it hit me that he was actually dead. he looked pale and unnatural and his face had to be reconstructed because of the accident. i tried to think of him smiling or him laughing, or angry. tried to forcefully conjure a living memory of him but all i could see was him in the shroud, dead.

After that i left, i didnt want to see him get buried. For awhile now when i am freshly awaken from sleep and if i think about him im sure ill think he's still alive for those few moments it takes the mind to sharpen itself for waking life. I took the lift down from his house and i felt terrible, heavy and black. the lift doors opened and i saw an old friend crying. i asked him if he was heading back and if he wanted to take the train with me. he said he was waiting for Alfian's girlfriend. I didnt know he had a girlfriend. i left before i could see her.

reading what ive written earlier i suppose this the point for some kind of summation or conclusion, but of course theres none, the wheel stops for awhile then it starts turning again.

goodbye alfian
ill miss u

sad peter pan

Ain't it funny how we pretend we're still a child
Softly stolen under our blanket skies
And rescue me from me, and all that I believe
I won't deny the pain
I won't deny the change
And should I fall from grace here with you
Will you leave me too?
Carve out your heart for keeps in an old oak tree
And hold me for goodbyes-and whispered lullabyes
And tell me I am still
The man I'm supposed to be
I won't deny the pain
I won't deny the change
And should I fall from grace here with you
Will you leave me too?
Too late to turn to turn back now, I'm running out of sound
And I'm changing, changing
And if we died right now, this fool you loved somehow
Is here with you
I won't deny the pain
I won't deny the change
And should I fall from grace here with you
Would you leave me too?

And the winding vines
The pretty boys dive
And thru the pinhole stars
Into the shadow mind
You will lose him then
On some gentle dawn
This boy is here and gone

And when we've all had our fun, deflate my stars and put away my sun

And when we've all had our fun, deflate my stars and put away my sun

how can so much go so wrong so fast. we recorded the single til late on saturday morning, it went well, but the recording is of no concern to me right now, after the events that took place after that.

im almost over it,
just wished you had given me an apology, that was all i wanted, instead of a decontruction of the events, deindividuation theories, sharing the blame with everyone and the place we all went to together. all i wanted was you to say you were sorry for what you did and to sound like it mattered, like my feelings mattered.

i had barely enough time to sort out those feelings , when i had to deal with kris' departure. this week with her has reminded me just how much i love her and need her. i miss her so much it hurts.