fear for freya's day

life has been rather odd lately, in a good way. Apart from the fact that im losing so many things, and by the end of the week il prob be parted with half my material posessions at the rate im going. i dont have to deal with guilt at home every day cos my parents are not around, and every day after camp has been LT LT LT. Not that its a bad thing, i love it. June has prob been one of the best and most horrible months i can remember in a long time. so much has happenened, and i started june one person,turned into something horrible in the middle and am ending it someone else. Spending so much time with LT i realise how much each one of em is like a self-contained universe, even dead legs. listening back on the record , i remember all those nights melting into mornings. the chain smoke, trying to be bright on the outside, but feeling death violence and darkness inside.
staying up with cedric after everyone else had surrendered to sleep, and wandering around the ethereal sober corridors of camp on perpetual screen saver the next day. the fevers, lung infections,stomach acid, sedatives, psychiatric wards and the heaviest emptiness. it was the band and the music that got me through in the end. Work is piling in at camp, but everyday i cant wait to book out and get on with my real life. right now im supposed to be arranging an interview with rui en and taufiq but the words are jumping at my face in plastic defiance. even if the gigs dont really go that well, i wont really be disappointed, cos it was meeting up and preparing for em that really did it for me. I just cant help but feel really afraid that its all winding to an end soon, but i want to hold on to it and not let it slip between my fingers like everything else. ill-worded, inarticulate and not really what i had in mind. what i really wanted to say was that im sorry for being a morose snappy bastard the better part of this time, im sorry for almost fucking everything up a number of times and ina, sid and tjinn, i love you guys and u mean a lot more to me than ever i let out, thanks fer everything.