prozac nation

day three of day prison.

confined in that small space, i enjoy the one hour or so i have in the morning with my mind alert. i escape to the toilet and do morning exercise, but not for too long. they like to burst in when im taking a shower and ask why im taking so long. meals are bland and meager, and served with a spoon only lest someone decides to fork away his mortal coil. kinda ridiculous considering the amount of potential death tools i counted inside the wards, shower hooks, sringes blah blah.

then the medicine comes, the temporary lobotomy, making me sedate and mentally incapacitated. today i was so dazed on the couch , that a cleaner stole my handphone. i feel really upset about it. its not the fucking handphone or the cost, though i prob cant afford another for awhile. my handphone was my loneliness off-setter. the ward gets so scorchingly lonely, just a silly message from someone i love would cheer me up alot. i dont leave that loneliness in the ward when i book out either, now i feel like that umbilicals been severed.

They forced my to attend alcoholics anonymous just cos i booked in on monday slightly hung over and late. ( its sounds hilarious, i dont know wether to laugh, scream or drink somemore ). Today was to be my first session. didnt go. memorised the description of the place, and the usual happenings from another patient who attends A A . tmrw i shall thank my doctors for the valuable experience.

the doctors usually see me for a grand total of five minutes everyday, i barely have a chance to drive in to them that im fine and i want to go back to my old camp and that i really really do not need this. if anything is making me feel horrible it is that place. the head doctor's ( a major ) mind has probably been so eroded years by of deference from his subordinates, that he thinks and talks in a unquestionable monologue.

i didnt think monday evening would hurt, but it did, and quite a bit and it still does. okay enough whining.

i feel ashamed about all thats happened lately, all the mess ive gotten myself into. im angry that all this has to happen when im better and okay. on the outside i probably seem like a problematic muck-up and i understand why im so hard to like. my parents are leaving tonight for weeks, soon the house will be empty again, it always is anyway.

if there is a god, he in non-interventional and the devil is just a metaphor made up because men need absolutes and conceptual and constructual shorthand to mentally deal with chaos and her thousand shades of grey.

whos left then . just me and you and i need you.